Martin Bennett

a Fourth Year Law Student

When I first arrived at University, I was sure that all of my dreams had come true - as much wine, women, song and general hedonism as I could possibly take. Suddenly I had all the freedom that I ever wanted - I could come and go as I pleased, and I was accountable to nobody. I had some great times, and the social side in particular certainly lived up to expectations. About halfway through the second year, the 'good times' became more and more fleeting, and I started to realise that my life wasn't genuinely fulfilling. I couldn't help but think: Is this all there is?

It was at that point when I decided to look into the claims of Christianity. I had some good friends who were Christians, and I went along to a few of the lunchtime and evening talks given during the 'Mission Week' run by the Christian Union at university, which set the initial intrigue in place. I then started to go to Church a little more, and I attended a 'Discovering Christianity' course. I was initially quite surprised at what I found, as in my ignorance and arrogance I thought that I was religiously and biblically more aware than most, having studied RS to A Level. I have to admit that, even then, as soon as I looked behind the stigma and stereotypes typically associated with Christianity, much of what I read and heard made sense.

I spent last year living and studying Spain, and before I left a friend gave me a copy of 'Mere Christianity' by CS Lewis. If I had to single out one event that completely changed my perception of mankind and our relationship with God it was reading this book. Previously, I had never really felt the need for a relationship with God, because as far as I was concerned, I was alright. I knew that I should be more diligent in writing thank-you cards, and that I don't phone my parents as much as I should, but I was otherwise fine. In my eyes, I certainly wasn't a sinner - I had never killed anyone, and in my own state of moral relativism, there were many worse than me. In chapter 8 of 'Mere Christianity', Lewis talks of the 'Great Sin'. The one thing at the centre of our lives that prevents us from acknowledging that we are wrong, when we know that we are; the thing that prevents us from doing as we would be done by, the thing that we most despise when we see it in others yet never admit to ourselves; and the thing that prevents many from any relationship with God. 'Pride' or 'conceit' is the name that we would usually associate with this condition and it is something, I am convinced, that we need to be cured of. This was not at all pleasant to read - quite the opposite in fact.

Having to acknowledge that I am plagued with this sin was not something that I either enjoyed or found easy (a telling manifestation in itself), but it was inescapable. This spurred further interest in what Christianity says about humankind, and how we need to be cured from sin, and that by our own efforts we are not capable of doing this. I know that I am far weaker than I would ever like to think, and even though I would frequently tell myself (and others) that I would try to cut certain things out of my life, I stumbled and fell habitually, and still do.

Recently I came to a kind of spiritual crisis; in my head it made perfect sense that Jesus died and bore our sin - the greatest act of love and kindness imaginable, but in my heart I still hadn't really embraced this gift. I thought that maybe if I cleaned up my life a little first, then I could maybe come to Christ, but I was missing the point - what is called for is a total surrender; sin and all, the bad and the downright awful as well as the good. Never ever had I been challenged in this way, and I don't want to pretend for one minute that it has been easy. It hasn't. Moments of considerable personal anguish have punctuated the last few months, but I just could not have turned my back on it all. The more that I've put in the more I've got out, and I am extremely grateful for the prayers, time, support and help from Christian friends.

A few weeks ago, I asked Jesus into my life, because I just wasn't making a good job of being the kind of person that I long to be. I know that I need help, and the claims of Jesus and the Bible are so unequivocal that they have to be accepted or not. After all that I had read, seen and heard over the last couple of years, sitting on the fence or resting nicely on a commitment-free middle ground wasn't a viable option. I can best describe making that step as breathing a huge sigh of relief. It took a very long time in coming, and a great deal of hardness of heart had to be overcome, but I'm extremely happy and glad that I've done it. By definition, any kind of experience such as the one that I've outlined above is subjective, personal and difficult to quantify, so you'll just have to take my word for it when I say that I do feel different, at ease, and the hollowness I described above has gone. I am thrilled to have the optimism that I now hold about life, and am greatly looking forward to living the rest of my life as a servant and friend of Christ.

One final point: I am not claiming that I am now free from sin. What I am claiming is that I am saved from that sin. I will always be wounded by my sin, but I will one day be completely healed. This is something that I simply couldn't do on my own.